I've gotten this comment "That's not like you" a lot in the past few years (usually soon after I tell them), and in it's own way that sort of depressing. Not really depressing because I don't like to dwell on negative thoughts like that, but more of that lurking darkness that you're not even aware of. I guess from other people's perspective it's a very true statement. It's not the me that I lead everyone to believe existed.
I've been told I have a strong sense of justice; people see my not being completely open to them in the past about my life as not only a betrayal to our relationship but also a betrayal to my own being and self. Justice.... but perhaps even truer is that I have always been keenly aware of the correlation between rules and punishment.
One childhood memory seems to keep reemerging in my mind as this situation progresses. I was told to do the laundry and if I put it away I would be rewarded. But it was a lot of laundry and I was lazy so... half-assed job of shoving unfolded laundry in a dresser, complete! When confronted I lied. An obvious lie. Not doing the laundry? I'd get in trouble. Get caught in a lie? Get in bigger trouble. Get caught in a lie about how you lied about not doing the laundry.... you get the picture. It ended up in a huge battle of wills that I think slightly scarred everyone involved. I think I only told the truth with the pain radiating from my butt overruled the notion that lying would save me from any additional pain.
Over the years we grow up and change in a lot of ways, and in other ways stay very much the same. I'll admit freely, when I feel trapped, cornered and out of options, I have that nasty habit of cowards (OUAT reference!) to lie. But this time, it wasn't a lie I started. It was the lie of expectations.
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You ever been hurt so much you just don't give a damn anymore? I'm sure you have. I remember what feels like so many years ago when I started a blog that documented my discovery of a world, a thought process, of actual scripture, history, and debate that didn't treat me as a fool or demagog me into submission. I had started it in the hopes of one day sharing it with my family and delusions of pouring over scriptures together working out misunderstandings, differing interpretations etc.
I knew then that I didn't want to hold my silence forever, I remember thinking "Now while I still have an untainted connection with these people, I want to grow our bonds." ..... funny thing that-- it ended up in the most colossal fall outs I have ever had. I think that was when the numbness started.
"If this me isn't good enough, then I don't have a chance at all."
echoed in my mind.
echoed in my mind.
After that the desire to have much of any kind of relationship there, much less an honest one, had significantly faded. But God provides and the loses I mourned over, I received doubly in my love-life. Over time the intensity of those negative experiences also faded and perhaps made me more amenable to the idea of a renewing my efforts. However, I had changed.
No more did I dream of debating, coaxing or cajoling. Desperately working to get family and friends to see just a glimmer of my perspective while endlessly calculating, worrying, or fearing how each person would react. My expectations are quite different now perhaps you would call them more mature, protective, or just jaded. Instead my decisions and grand delusions have been based on protecting my most treasured relationships, of myself and our future. I lied to do it. Be it direct or by omission I did and I stand by my decision. I'm saying this, not because I owe it to anyone, I didn't then and I don't now, but because this is for me. Because it's the right timing for me.
I didn't start this lie, but I played my part in continuing it and now I shall end it.
I am proud to be apart of the LGBTQ community.
God made me in his image full of the capacity for goodness and love regardless of gender.
"That's not like you."?
Yes it is. I may not be who you expected or wanted me to become but this is the real
Ashley Loretto Cunningham.
