Str8t Expectations

   I've gotten this comment "That's not like you" a lot in the past few years (usually soon after I tell them), and in it's own way that sort of depressing. Not really depressing because I don't like to dwell on negative thoughts like that, but more of that lurking darkness that you're not even aware of. I guess from other people's perspective it's a very true statement. It's not the me that I lead everyone to believe existed.

   I've been told I have a strong sense of justice; people see my not being completely open to them in the past about my life as not only a betrayal to our relationship but also a betrayal to my own being and self. Justice....  but perhaps even truer is that I have always been keenly aware of the correlation between rules and punishment.

   One childhood memory seems to keep reemerging in my mind as this situation progresses. I was told to do the laundry and if I put it away I would be rewarded. But it was a lot of laundry and I was lazy so... half-assed job of shoving unfolded laundry in a dresser, complete! When confronted I lied. An obvious lie. Not doing the laundry? I'd get in trouble. Get caught in a lie? Get in bigger trouble. Get caught in a lie about how you lied about not doing the laundry.... you get the picture. It ended up in a huge battle of wills that I think slightly scarred everyone involved. I think I only told the truth with the pain radiating from my butt overruled the notion that lying would save me from any additional pain.

   Over the years we grow up and change in a lot of ways, and in other ways stay very much the same. I'll admit freely, when I feel trapped, cornered and out of options, I have that nasty habit of cowards (OUAT reference!) to lie. But this time, it wasn't a lie I started. It was the lie of expectations.

...................................................................................................

You ever been hurt so much you just don't give a damn anymore? I'm sure you have. I remember what feels like so many years ago when I started a blog that documented my discovery of a world, a thought process, of actual scripture, history, and debate that didn't treat me as a fool or demagog me into submission. I had started it in the hopes of one day sharing it with my family and delusions of pouring over scriptures together working out misunderstandings, differing interpretations etc.

   I knew then that I didn't want to hold my silence forever, I remember thinking "Now while I still have an untainted connection with these people, I want to grow our bonds." ..... funny thing that-- it ended up in the most colossal fall outs I have ever had. I think that was when the numbness started.

"If this me isn't good enough, then I don't have a chance at all."
echoed in my mind.

   After that the desire to have much of any kind of relationship there, much less an honest one, had significantly faded. But God provides and the loses I mourned over, I received doubly in my love-life. Over time the intensity of those negative experiences also faded and perhaps made me more amenable to the idea of a renewing my efforts. However, I had changed.

    No more did I dream of debating, coaxing or cajoling. Desperately working to get family and friends to see just a glimmer of my perspective while endlessly calculating, worrying, or fearing how each person would react. My expectations are quite different now perhaps you would call them more mature, protective, or just jaded. Instead my decisions and grand delusions have been based on protecting my most treasured relationships, of myself and our future. I lied to do it. Be it direct or by omission I did and I stand by my decision. I'm saying this, not because I owe it to anyone, I didn't then and I don't now, but because this is for me. Because it's the right timing for me.

   I didn't start this lie, but I played my part in continuing it and now I shall end it.

I am proud to be apart of the LGBTQ community.

God made me in his image full of the capacity for goodness and love regardless of gender.

"That's not like you."? 

Yes it is. I may not be who you expected or wanted me to become but this is the real

Ashley Loretto Cunningham.

The Nightmare

  A little geography lesson, Tokyo is one of the 47 prefectures in Japan. So it's kind of seen as an entire "state" in Japan, as well as a smaller more defined city. I currently live in Tokyo "state" Katsushika "county" just across the Arakawa River on the NE side of the main Tokyo city limits....
That's not confusing at all is it?

 

This map is of all the locations I had to go to in my first two weeks of work. X.X

My first day of actual work was in another state entirely, called Chiba. (Red Line)

(It was a total of seven locations within 14 days!!)

   I was pretty freaked out for a lot of reasons: crappy training, a really long trip, first day of actual work. etc... I was sweating bullets the entire hour and a half trip (got an express) there. They were kind enough to pick me up by car b/c once I arrived at the station due to the school being a winding 20 minute walk.  As I understood, it was a one time courtesy; therefore from the very first moments of contact with the secretary I made every attempt to make sure that my "shuttle service" continued. I can only handle so much stress, and just the thought of possibly getting lost on top of everything else was just too much at the time. Perhaps I might have felt more secure if I could have Google walked to the school virtually first-- but GEOS doesn't have their school locations posted online. There are times when pride gets in the way, so for that time I didn't mind playing up the "helpless American girl" act.

   I had arrived almost two hours early so I could figure everything out-- it felt like 10 minuets. I had hoped against hope that there might be another teacher there to help.... but that didn't happen. So instead I spent those first two hours desperately trying to figure out what book went with each class-- reading over the LMPs (Lesson Management Plans) trying to figure out the wall of CDs which one when, what songs, where are the singalong track lists!? Oh #$@*( where's the modified lesson track lists!?! and on and on....till the time was up. I had to face the music...

  AKA screaming children. My first class was two IL kids. (Infant low) Both four years old. My "noobness" must have been obvious because from the moment they entered the class room it was sheer chaos. Climbing on the table, jumping off the table, trying to jump off the table and onto the cubical wall,... I finally got the intro song started "A,B,C,D..." but instead of touching the laminated alphabet picture cards on the wall, the kids scattered to the four corners of the room pulling out letters from the alphabet foam floor. %$*@$! Many, many times I cursed under my breath the person who had the "bright idea" to install those tiles. After the first 5 times I finally learned-- don't put the letter back in until after class. Keeping them inside the classroom was also problematic as half the time they would dash outside to hide their new found foam pieces. *ding dong~  The forty minutes finally ended.

   After class the parents gather round and you explain the lesson points of the day and what you did with the children, which is then translated into Japanese. An interesting idea-- although my translator could barely understand me any better then the kids-- so she just would say whatever she thought the parents would want to hear. I took a deep sigh and went back to my classroom-- which was already populated by the next class of four five year olds. I quickly learned that the ten minute breaks in between classes at GEOS are completely fictional. 

   The next class went better, the kids were actually singing the songs and paying at least a little attention the games. That was until one of the girls just busted out crying. O.O ........ for a moment I just stared, in fact so did the other kids. There was a sudden silence that overtook the room, broken only by the ever increasing sobs of the little girl. As we looked on in utter bewilderment of the sudden outburst my mind was racing-- "What do I do??? This is exactly what I meant by poor training!" I attempted to calm her down-- with tone and body language being the only thing she could understand. I felt a little helpless as I tried to cheer her up..... then I saw it, and understood. Please, if your going to drop off your kid in a classroom they can't communicate in, please take them to the toilet first! 

   This was my first time encountering the barrier of expectations-- I could've understood her if she had spoken to me even in Japanese. I've come across this a few times since, but by and far I have to deal with the reverse. "NO TALKING IN JAPANESE! OK?" -- "はいい~" X(  Seriously?? Why can't I be more 厳しい/strict with them?

   GEOS schedules starts out with the youngest class and ends with the oldest. So as the day progressed into the older classes I started feeling... inadequate? weird? uncomfortable? I'm used to the older classes now, and in fact much prefer them to the younger classes, but when I first started it felt too much like actually teaching. Drills, phonics, grammar rules and all the other things that go with a normal English school, I wanted nothing to do with them! I'm a business major, not an English buff. It's my worst subject; I disliked all my English classes, and in some cases I had to really struggled to get decent grades. Ironic right? I came to Japan to teach something that I have no confidence in.

   ---Side Note--- Ahh... maybe that's why its so hard to keep up this blog. I know lots of people in the family really enjoy writing, the art of prose and type. Typically the only time I want to write is when I want to vent and can't do so with another person. I just like story telling. To capture a moment, an emotion, and live it together with your audience. Writing also brings out my perfectionist side; coupled with the fact I get bored of my story quickly means that the writing, re-writing, scraping, and procrastinating seriously impede any real progress. I've been toying with the idea of a Vlog-- but I'm not sure if it would help at all; I'd probably spend all my time editing the video. XP

  --Side Note End--

   If the younger kids could get a feeling of my Noobness, the older kids knew it as a fact. I would always miss some critical part of the class routine and the kids would look up at me with those "Are you incompetent, or just plain stupid?" expressions. The fear of a coup or rebellion that first day was pretty real even if it sounds ridiculous. I had one kid who crawled under the table and literally fell asleep. I spent three solid minutes of doing nothing else but trying to get him in a chair and paying attention, but he would slip right back under the table as soon as I got him in the chair. Not to mention the eyes of eight other children watching every movement "What are you gonna do now?" I had no idea what to do... Again I screamed in my head "面倒くさい!! Why on earth did we NOT go over classroom management!?!?"

   It was a brutal learning curve, everyday was a battle to perform a task I honestly had no idea how to do. But I'd like to think that I learned well from this harsh experience and that perhaps I did it better than most Nova teachers could have pulled it off  >) ... there goes my pride again.... Anyway, on my last day there I got invited to what I later found out was a farewell party for the previous teacher. That final experience at Soga was an eye opener and made me grateful for one of the current stickler rules we have at Nova which many teachers have a high disdain for: the non-fraternization clause!

But that has more to do with my next post: "I work at a host club."

  

I Spy

    Looking back on this after a few months have passed allow for a little more clarity to the mess confusion that enshrouded my first few weeks. Even now I have to deal with the repercussions of that fateful day... Geos Training in Kameari.

   I had arrived home from that last day of training in Shinjuku; this time it was finally my home. Only, it didn't feel like home. It was an empty shell other than the heap of luggage adding a "personal touch" to the corner of this new apartment. I set to work on making the apartment livable; first up would be the bed. Surprisingly the apartment came with a bed frame, Japaneseified of course, basically broad wooden slats hoisted up about 6inchess off the floor.

   After much persistence I had acquired permission to borrow a thin futon (bound for the trash) from my previous host. As I set it up on the frame I tried not to think about the suspected bug infestation that it was surmised to home. I had also managed to borrow a blanket, but due to the reticence which all of my requests were met with I decided not to push my luck any further by asking for anything so inconvenient as a pillow. I bundled some sweaters together as a make-shift pillow and surveyed the room.... "This is it..... This is my life..."

   I didn't feel like unpacking, but perhaps the fact that almost all of my luggage was clothes and I didn't have and hangers or a dresser was more of the reason that nothing got unpacked. >.<; So instead, I set up the internet and started researching directions for the next day of Training.

[   Looking back I kinda feel like I'm playing one of those "spot the differences" picture games in the newspaper or Highlights. First difference: Goes didn't expect us to find the school, they set a time for everyone to meet at the station exit. ]

Why always pink!?

    So that morning, bright and early I set out from my apartment.  The train ride passed by without too much trouble (asked for help once or twice). I had arrived first, i.e. I didn't see any other foreign looking people standing about. Then came .... well I forget his name, but a spirited Aussie that I had trained under in the Shinjuku branch. (November, the month I arrived, was the first month of the merger.  The company was going through some turbulent changes, so even some veteran Nova teachers were getting Geos Kids Training.) After about ten minutes or so all but two of the trainees had arrived. Another ten minutes past the meeting time and two lunky foreign-ish looking brothers, ("Hafu's" half-Japanese, half-foreign) who had been on the same train as me, came up and introduced themselves as the last two trainees. They had apparently forgotten that we were to meet at the station. We were definitely an odd looking group but, none the less we were off!

The first week or two I didn't take pictures so I use the online stock photos. But since my training they have remodeled it into a NOVA school so the online photos of the inside are not accurate to my memories there =(

   Along the way our trainer, a hefty American girl, thanked us profusely for volunteering to help Geos....  there was a long moment of silence.... everyone stole a glance at each other. "I didn't wanna come! I hate kids!" stated the larger of the brothers. The rest of us acented to the fact that we had been ordered to come, not asked. The trainer was shocked-- "But the Nova manager said!..."

That was was the first of many instances which has taught me a valuable lesson about my job:

 Always assume you're never getting the whole truth.

  Training was.... more like an overview, I actually could have mistaken it for a sales pitch to be honest. "Here's our curriculum. This book/CD is for __ grade. First we sing the alphabet song, then a monthly song, do our lesson and sing goodbye! Would you like to sit in on a class?" Aaaaand that was the extent of my training. It's actually kind of amazing to see how she managed to teach us practically nothing for an entire day of training. Although I won't say it was all worthless prattle. Once she found out most of us were fresh off the plane, she spent time on asking if we had registered our address, started a bank account, along with other pertinent information. She gave us her contact info and insisted we call/email if we had any problems or questions.

Spot the difference! Goes seems to actually care about their teachers, how they're doing and what issues they face in everyday life.

   The rest of the time was spent chatting with the other trainees. (As for some reason we were only allowed to sit in a class one-by-one) I was fairly happy to be working with kids, however, everyone else seemed to be annoyed with the prospect. (Although it shouldn't have been a surprise-- it's in the job description, guys!) Besides complaining about how bad the training was and discussing our new living costs, there always seemed to be someone who would interject, "Man I hate kids!" The larger of the two brothers must have thought we weren't listening to him because be repeated the sentiment every half hour. Finally the uneventful day came to a close.

   Before we left, we were given our "orders:"  school placement, directions, and contact information. I was told that I would go to Soga and be picked up by car <3 at the station... and btw I'd be the only trainee to not have another teacher help me on my first day. O.O|| say wha!???

Spot the difference! In Nova training we role-played teaching a class, then have several stages of  watched classes. After every stage we were given an evaluation of how well we were doing... and now here with Geos. I hardly knew what a class was supposed to look like, much less how to run one!!! Freak Out: Begin!

Next Up: The nightmare known as childcare

Training under the pink panthe...duck-bunny

   I've gotten a little more used to it now that I've been to Shinjuku station a few times (although it's still confusing). The various underground shopping malls that separate the different lines are so vast that at times I begin to wonder if I'm in a station at all. All the shops look so lovely... and cost a pretty penny. So, basically it's eye-candy, tasty tasty eye-candy. ~mmmm~ Anyway.... I surfaced victorious onto the streets of West Shinjuku! (The less crazy and more business side of town.) The throngs of people, girls in maid outfits handing out fliers, the towering buildings all were there-- the iconic image of Toyko, Japan.

My first office building =P

   I started for the school armed with my map-book and a page of scribbled notes to help me along. It was no surprise that I started in the wrong direction, but i was happy that it didn't take me too terribly long to find my intended direction- the Post Office. The Shinjuku PO is close in proximity to the school, however, it meant I had to go by main roads and about twice the necessary distance. (The small side roads that looked like bazaar were a much quicker route, but I didn't trust myself to navigate the turbulent sea of people and street venders.) It didn't take too long to find the building (I had already "walked" the route several times on google maps.) 

 

Fanciest School entryway by a long-shot!

A lot of office buildings have little more than a door in front of an elevator on the first floor. This one was very swanky with glass doors and a foyer. Up the elevator I went aaand there is was-- a sea of pink cubicles to welcome me!

There are proverbs on the walls. I noticed one was wrong. Blow up this picture and you can see "An ounce of prevention is a pound of cure."

   I was the first to arrive out of my training group (and with only 5 minuets to spare, I thought that it was a bit strange to be the only one). I started with legalities of contract signing etc. and not too much later did another kid show up. A recent grad and new to Tokyo, he was a nice kid who came off as the nerdy "boy next door" kind (glasses, straight brown hair etc.) After we were done with our contracts (which were different due to different employers? I think we have different employers.... or maybe it's just differing branches? I dunno.) Then guy number two shows up; wasn't sure how to peg him other than the kinda chubby type as he didn't talk a lot in the beginning. As guy#2 had already signed his contract previously, and seeing as how it was already 10-15 minuets into the appointment time, we started the training without the remaining two trainees.

   About 15-20 minuets later, as we were about finished with the overview of how lessons should be taught, guy#3 struts in brandishing a wide grin: the suave type. (blue eyes, curly blond hair and an omnipresent grin). This led to a short conversation which essentially went like this:

A: You're late.
B: No, I'm early.
A:They must have told you the wrong time.

   In fact they had told us all the wrong time, every single one of us was given a differing time table. In the brief convo we worked out just what exactly were the correct times. The realization of how the messed up schedule would affect me began to seep into my consciousness-- Damn! I had planned on the training only being a few hours and then spending the rest of the day transporting the second half of my stuff to the apartment. Now knowing that training was going to last all day, there was little chance it happening.

   Training continued for a few more hours until we were dismissed for a dinner break. On our way out the door, we were told that we were going to teach our first class when we got back.... say what!?

Yep, day one of training and we were already on our way to teaching! Unknown to us, this would be our only break all together, the next two days our shifts would be staggered. Guys #2 and #3 both had been in Japan for a little while were a bit more comfortable with their surroundings, they also both had the air of a  "one up" kinda personality and enjoyed competing, errr.. conversing together! So that left me and the first guy to have a much more relaxed conversations.

    As we returned from dinner our trainer informed us that we would be coming in at different times the next day and work in pairs. I was shocked by his choice of pairings only because it seemed like the worst mix-- and I'm sure that wasn't on accident. Guy#1 and guy#3 were polar opposites and had rarely said two words to eachother, while me and guy#2... well he just didn't seemed to be too interesting in talking to me for whatever reason. It was like the perfectly wrong match that made no one comfortable or happy. (I wonder if that was supposed to be a lesson or something?...)

   That aside, we had more important things to worry about-- like "Holy cow! We're actually gonna teach classes!!" The set up is that the trainee teaches while a normal teacher will just sit there and watch while checking off that you followed the appropriate steps, techniques, and timing. No sweat, right? You learned those things over an hour ago! Totally set....  I felt more set up for failure than anything else.

I've learned that if you feel wildly under-prepared for something they want you to do....

 you probably are.

Good luck, Sucker!

The proud NOVA ways: makes as much sense as our neon-pink, duck-bunny mascot

Back to the story: The game is on. The rules are set. 

Accomplish classroom objectives through a series of tasks... go! 

Phase complete? No.... Wait for it.... Now!! Next section, begin!

Task accomplished, very good- continue onto the next challenge.

Oooook... and class is over, we're done!

GG, everybody!

(lol It was a sort of game, navigating through the objectives and meeting time requirements.)

   Basically, I did everything "correctly," but I was told afterwards that's not exactly what they want. For the next several days I would hear something similar to "well you don't need to follow the book that much..." Sooo... you're telling me that the last 6 hours were nothing but a bunch of rules you don't actually follow? "Au contraire!" They would retort, "you need to know it for when you're being examined!" So, you are taught the rules then expected to adapt them to your own style, unless of course you're being watched by "the man." o.0; Oook, I guess?

• Initial Teaching strengths: achieving the lesson and timing requirements!
• Initial Teaching weaknesses: lesson introduction flow, communicating to students at their level

    Exhausted, I went "home," to the place I was visiting. It had been a cruelly long day, but I welcomed my half straw pillow and thin futon bed. (I also finally got a hold of a space heater so the room wasn't so cold.) I wanted to get up early and drop off the rest of my stuff before training in the morning, but with how physically and mentally demanding the previous day was... impossible. I got a little nervous as I thought of my alternative... a late night trip to my apartment. With my most recent attempt in the daylight going so... well, I feared what might happen if I tried it at night when all the friendly house-wives were inside and only the town drunks were awake to guide me! TxT

   The second day of training was much like the first and really the only thing of note about the day was that it was THANKSGIVING!! But you wouldn't know that because the only people in the entire building who cared were the dead tired trainees. (The rest of the staff were British or Australian)  After being forced together with guy#2, he finally started opening up so it wasn't quite so awkward. On break we headed off to KFC for some turky-ish food. Dinner was the only homage we paid to the holiday, as we headed right back to work with no more mention of Americana.

I had chicken pot pie that was sweet! XP But I'll bet the chicken leg I had might be even better than American KFC!!

    My workday neared it's end, but because of the shift pair-work I would now be coming "home" very late. On the train ride back it started to rain.. "Great just what I need,"  I grumbled. By the time I got "home" it was already so late that I feared if I messed up on the hour+ long train ride to my apartment at all I'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere because the trains would have stopped running. Or even if I made it there, the image of me lugging my things in the rain and still possibly getting lost... was intimidating.

   Normally under such circumstances I wouldn't even think about trying to make the trip at that time, but things at where I was staying were.... at times, unpleasant. I won't go over a lot about my experience there. Simply put: it depressed me. I thought that perhaps the brotherhood of faith would be there for me. Or if not that, then the camaraderie of fellow Americans striking out in a foreign land... maybe even just the understanding help of a fellow human? 

   I think I got a bit depressed because while I know I can do amazing things like carry my body-weight in luggage all over Tokyo for 3 hours and still make it on time to training an hour away, sometimes I just want it easy. Try as I might to rig the game so that it's easier, it just doesn't seem to be in God's plan. More like His lesson is: "You want help? Grow some balls and do it yourself. You need something? Go get it. It's just you and me, and I made you capable, so stop whining."

   So I did. I sucked it up, crashed for a few hours as my last night there, then woke up at 5am so I would have time to drop off my luggage at my apartment before going to training again in Shinjuku. I easily found the apartment this time with the help of my picture landmarks. Got more formally dressed and started to the train station for another day of work. Dead tired? Hell yeah, but I was doing it.

   I was getting more comfortable with going to the Shinjuku office, so that day I decided to cut through the side streets-- bad move. I got so lost that I had to call the company to direct me to the office and ended up getting there four minuets late. The trainer went went a bit berserk. Thankfully he chilled out when I told him I had called. I think he must have thought I was lying, I mean who gets lost on their third day?? I think I saw him later trying to verify my story with the staff.

   Another full day of training was ahead, this time focusing on language placement tests. I had heard if you failed the training-- they'd send you back to the States! o.o;; I'm not sure if that's true.... but I passed it, so I dunno.... It was the last time I saw the guys because the kids training that was scheduled again for the next day included everyone.... but me. I was scheduled to train for Geos kodomo (kids) at a separate location.  This was the first I had even heard that Nova and Geos were now one company instead of bitter rivals. So why was I getting Geos kids training and not Nova kids training? At the time I had no clue...